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​When a breakdown in a relationship occurs, it’s sometimes the case that one of the people involved has been preparing to check out for months (if not longer), while the other is completely blindsided.  This can leave the person who has been taken by surprise at a significant disadvantage in both emotional and practical terms.

The person who has decided to depart from the relationship has gone through a process of detaching themselves emotionally and this can add to the confusion and hurt of the other as they have to process the shock of their relationship ending and come to terms with the realisation that the person they considered their life partner is now treating them like a stranger.

In retrospect they may realise that there were telltale signs leading up to the split, the distancing, the change in routine or enthusiasm for joint activities, the working late, the gradual withdrawal.   When life is busy and stressful these signs are often glossed over as a temporary phase that will correct itself as part of life’s ups and downs.

If a third party is involved, there may also be an element of guilt for the departing partner.  Unlike the cliché in the movies where a cheating partner will shower their spouse with flowers and other gifts to cover their clandestine behaviour, it’s more likely that the guilt will result in angry outbursts, put downs,  constant criticism, gas-lighting and blame. A filter will be put on the relationship by the partner wishing to exit, so that all of the happy memories are filtered out and only the unhappy aspects are recalled.  Often a cheating partner doesn’t like to think of themselves as such, so they justify their behaviour to themselves by demonising their spouse and punishing them for being their source of shame. 

To be on the receiving end of this treatment is soul destroying and confusing.  It damages confidence, self-esteem and the ability to trust for a long time.  Life can suddenly seem surreal and hollow.  A sense of immense Grief and feeling of overwhelm may result.  It can be very hard to function, to care for children, go to work, to face family and friends.  It can also feel incredibly humiliating.
When you’re under an emotional onslaught like this it is not a good time to have to make important financial and legal decisions; sadly this is often the time that major decisions of this nature are forced upon you; in fact the vulnerability of one partner may even be used by the other to get them to sign away their rights while they are not in a position to think clearly and rationally.  Bullying and manipulation come into play.

I often hear (particularly women) say “I rushed through everything, because I just wanted it to be over.  I couldn’t handle the emotional weight of it all”.  Sadly, rushing through the process of Divorce or Separation without allowing yourself time to consider things properly and fully understand the implications of this immense life change can have a very long term detrimental impact. If there are children involved it can disadvantage them significantly, but even when there are no children, being too quick to agree to someone else’s terms when a relationship breaks down and there are joint finances/assets involved can leave you severely disadvantaged financially for years afterwards. 

Conversely, making unreasonable demands out of a desire for revenge can be incredibly costly both emotionally and financially.  It is easy to fall prey to the idea that keeping your ex in litigation as a method of punishing them will somehow make you feel better, but (particularly when there are kids involved) a resolution that allows both parties to move forward with their lives is generally a good goal to set. 

If you are struggling to process your emotions, talking things through with a professional is recommended.  It can enable you to regain your emotional breath.  To tell your story to an impartial and trained professional, allows you the mental space to process your thoughts and feelings uninterrupted and without the biased input from friends, relatives and colleagues.  To be allowed to express yourself freely, without having to put on a brave face is very cathartic.  A trained Counsellor can help you navigate through your feelings, rather than becoming stuck retelling the same story so often that it starts to feel as if you’re defined by your relationship breakdown.
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Family Law Counsellors do not provide legal advice, however they have an understanding of the process and can support you and help you work through your thoughts, feelings and options to gain greater clarity.  Your solicitor will provide the legal advice and guidance if and when required.

It is a very tough time, but it doesn’t last forever.  You will get through it and you will wake up one day ready for and looking forward to the rest of your life.Grief and Loss Counselling


Georgina Mitchell is a Professional Counsellor and Certified Family Law Counsellor in Mentone, South East Melbourne.  Contact Georgina on 0435 923 817 or email her at georgina@hypfocus.com.au
For Melbourne Hypnotherapy to help with Stress Management contact Hypfocus Therapies