Is online dating in decline?
I was listening to a discussion on Triple J radio yesterday about how young people are becoming increasingly jaded with and anxious about online dating. People are sick of the swipe-left, swipe-right culture that has evolved since the inception of apps like Tinder.
What is the main pit-fall of online dating?
While online dating has been successful for many, it is perhaps falling prey to the same malaise which is occurring with disturbing consistency across every social media platform. That is the rise of the Troll.
According to "Psychology Today" Trolls are narcissists, psychopaths and sadists. Interestingly an ABC report from 2017 asserts that Trolls have high levels of cognitive empathy combined with psychopathy traits. This high level of cognitive empathy means they know exactly how to emotionally manipulate people while also understanding what hurts people and not caring thanks to their psychopathy. They take sadistic pleasure in the pain they cause.
The comments section of any online post will reveal nasty remarks and baiting comments designed to trigger arguments. We are becoming desensitised to bad manners and cruelty. The impact of this is that more reasonable people are stepping away from online discussion resulting in a social distillation process which may eventually result in online dominance for Trolls.
Things to be wary of online
I believe this is also why the more reasonable and genuine among the dating hopefuls may be starting to pull away from the online-dating option. If you speak to any seasoned online dater, you will quite likely hear of horror stories. These stories are so common that they have categories which include:
Ghosting - someone who seemed keen disappears off the face of the earth;
Gaslighting - someone manipulating them into disbelieving facts;
Financial scamming - the charming person who suddenly finds themselves without funds and asks for a few thousand, e.g. to tide them over or help them out of an emergency
Love bombing - the person that comes on strong loves you from the start, can't get enough of you, can't do enough for you and then as soon as they know you're hooked they change and become controlling.
Catfishing - they completely misrepresent whom they are, e.g. old men pretending to be young guys, married people pretending to be single, women pretending to be men and vice versa
Juggler (I don't know the term for this, so I've created my own) - someone keeping their options open by dating multiple people while implying to each of them that they are exclusive
Of course the above categories are not confined to the internet; however, the internet provides the perfect petri dish in which this kind of behaviour will flourish. Indeed the novice narcissist can hone their skills by engaging with multiple victims, using each online interaction to polish their manipulation techniques.
Why does online dating make us more susceptible to being tricked than real life dating?
It's no wonder that people are jaded with this type of engagement. Meeting someone online means that you initially have to accept the version they present of themselves as true; without the supporting evidence of seeing them in their natural habitat, at home, at work or socialising at sporting or community events. Seeing people in real life isn't fool-proof; however, it provides more clues to their authentic self than a carefully scripted online profile, and the red flags, if any are often on display before your opinion of the person, becomes set. The problem with assessing online dating profiles is that once we accept something to be true, it's usually hard for us to change that belief. If we chat to someone online and take them at face value they are a lovely person; we may be more likely to ignore the red flags when we do meet them in real life because it creates cognisant dissonance for us. Consequently, we are more likely to turn a blind eye to behaviour that doesn't fit with our pre-existing belief.
This online dating roulette has resulted in a large group of walking wounded people who've been misled by predatory narcissists, manipulated and hurt by the fallout of online encounters. These people often suffer terrible blows to their confidence and self-esteem. They may avoid dating altogether, or become isolated as they are not sure how to make connections in real life any more and are too wary of going back online.
How to reduce the risk
I work with many people that have had this experience, helping them rebuild or in many cases develop the confidence they've never had before. It is always prudent to take your time on the dating scene, to dip your toe and carefully measure the temperature of the water; however, these days loneliness is so prevalent that the temptation is greater than ever to throw caution to the wind. I work with my clients to build up a greater sense of self-worth. Self-worth heightens their instincts and connects their intellect to their intuition, this, in turn, makes them far less likely to dismiss red flags or put up with behaviour that is not appropriate, respectful or conducive of a healthy relationship. Healthy self-worth enables them to resist the seductive nature of a love bombing narcissist so that instead of being swept off their feet, their feet are kept firmly on the ground so that they can enter a relationship at a pace that is healthy and allows them to get to know someone accurately and safely.
Since I've started my Counselling and Hypnotherapy practice in Melbourne, Hypnotherapy has become increasingly accepted as the 'go to ' therapy for issues such as weight loss, smoking cessation and anxiety. I want more people to learn how effectively Hypnotherapy can help to improve their quality of life. Hypnotherapy does this by assisting them in learning to value and appreciate themselves and be the best version of themselves they can be. Hypnotherapy allows people to self-reflect, resolve unresolved issues that have been keeping them stuck and connect them to their inner resources.
If you are recovering from a broken relationship, negative dating experience or just want to improve your confidence and self-worth, why not give me a call today on 0435 923 817. My Clinical Hypnotherapy Practice is in Mentone, Melbourne. I also see clients online via Zoom or Skype
Are you part of the sandwich generation?
Do you still have kids at home, or childcare responsibilities for grandkids? All while juggling care for ageing parents? For many people this is reality.
You've worked hard all your life yet now you find that instead of looking forward to the easy life of retirement and finally doing what you want to do, you're suddenly expected to take on more (usually unpaid) work and stress. Kids may be struggling to afford to leave the family home, or to pay for childcare for their own kids, parents may be showing signs of frailty and vulnerability, particularly to unscrupulous strangers/con-artists. It's relentless, you feel as though you must be constantly vigilant and frankly you're in danger of burnout.
As a society we have lost track of what really matters, we reward tax evaders and glamourise the gross accumulation and hoarding of wealth while we accept the decline of services in health, aged care, child care, education, housing and infrastructure as par for the course. This of course if a fallacy, with proper distribution there is no reason why we can't afford to provide quality care for our young, elderly and sick.
However, until society as a whole figures out how to get back on track with ensuring that human rights are respected above wealth accumulation, we have to figure out how to manage our own physical, psychological and emotional resources so that we are not spread so thin that we evaporate!
Self-care is of the utmost importance, many people have been conditioned to believe that this is selfish and that that is a negative thing, however some selfishness is essential to our survival. Without self-care we deteriorate and we are no good to anyone.
It's time for each of us to start a revolution, to decide it's our time. To stop and reevaluate how we are living, how we are setting and accepting the expectations of others as our fate. How we would like things to change and what we’re going to do to effect that change.
What action are you going to take?
What can you do to relieve some of the pressure on you starting today? What do you do to take care of you? How much time to you allow just for you? Do you have someone you can talk to? Do you exercise? Do you socialise? Do you practice Mindfulness? All of these can help you rebalance and restore your energy. Do you set boundaries? This one can be tricky, however it's the most essential.
You may find you need some help in this process, help with shedding the unnecessary guilt, help getting clarity about what you want and what's really been keeping you stuck, help working through all the complex emotions that the sandwich generation feels, anger, resentment, fear, guilt, sadness, regret, disappointment etc. These are heavy emotions to carry and they use a tremendous amount of energy when they are unresolved, creating a lot of stress, negatively impacting your relationships and wearing you down.
Therapy can really help with this. Many of my clients find themselves at this crossroads in life, and feel incredibly stuck and overwhelmed, therapy allows them to work through the blocks and gain a sense of empowerment. Hypnotherapy helps people reconnect to their own inner resources, to their own innate wisdom in order to find solutions that are often obscured by the blinding pace of modern life.
If you’d like to learn how I can help you please feel free to give me a call on 0435 923 817, or visit my main website pages via this link. I’m located in Mentone, South East Melbourne however I see an increasing number of clients via Zoom online so distance is no longer a barrier to getting the help you need.
#mentalhealth #stressmanagement #anxiety #burnout #wellbeing #childcare #grandparents #dementia #generationx #babyboomers #depression #menopause #calm #mindfulness #retirement
What are your goals for the coming year?
Have you thought about what you'd like to change or accomplish in 2019? More than a New Years resolution, thinking in a more concrete way about how you'd like to plan your year.
Year's seem to go by faster as we get older don't they? We often arrive in December wondering where the time has gone and lamenting that we don't have a sense of accomplishment.
An important aspect of creating change that matters to you is establishing healthy boundaries. For some people this is a new endeavor, however it's never to late to begin.
The table below gives a good illustration of healthy boundaries vs. unhealthy boundaries. Many of my clients feel a little unsure of their own identity when they first come to see me, this is not at all unusual. We forget that we can draw upon our own experience and values to create our sense of self, and that we are all a work in progress. Nobody is set in stone, none of us are the same as we were 10 years ago and we will be different again in 10 years time.
Our Goals can extend beyond 2019, we can for example set 1 year, 5 year and 10 year goals then for each category decide what weekly and monthly actions we will take to move ourselves towards achieving those goals.
Whether you'd like to change a habit, save more, travel more, laugh more - whatever it may be, it pays to create a plan.
One of my goals for 2019 is to learn an instrument either the guitar or piano. I intend to begin around March as I have other goals to complete in the earlier months Learning an instrument is good for the brain, as well as an enjoyable pursuit.
What do you think?
Hypnotherapy Melbourne at Hypfocus Therapies- call Georgina on 0435 923 817.
Life is busy for most of us, however at this time of year it can really crank up a few more notches and if we’re not careful we can find ourselves feeling overwhelmed and in danger of burning out.
Trying to keep up with work or school, commitments to family and friends, household duties, pet needs and fit in exercise and self-care while still managing your budget can be very challenging.
There is a tendency to become swamped by expectations, both your own and the expectations of others. We feel pressure to create a perfect 'Xmas advert' experience but we are doing it without the aid of the budget, crew and photo-shop.
With that in mind I thought I’d compile a list of 10 tips to help you manage stress and overwhelm this holiday season:
Mine is to learn the guitar...
#anxiety #stress #overwhelm #depression #loneliness #holidays #xmas #christmas
Clients come to me for help with anxiety. They may have experienced a panic attack and now live in fear of the next one, or find themselves avoiding social situations, not speaking up at work or in school, overthinking, lying awake at night worrying or struggling through the day trying to appear ‘normal’ while inside their chest is tight, stomach is churning, heart is pounding and they have a feeling of impending doom. There is often a common thread of self-criticism and fear of judgement by others. I experienced anxiety myself for many years so the things they describe are all too familiar to me.
I teach my clients how to manage their anxiety and process their emotions in a healthy adaptive way. This process is accelerated by the use of Hypnosis and EFT. Understanding the internal emotional process is part of this.
What are Emotions?
Emotions can be thought of as instinctive responses to life experiences which we have the power to modulate, but often don’t know how.
Emotions can be triggered by
Just as some people are sensitive to allergens, some people are more sensitive to emotional triggers, they may also experience emotions with greater intensity and have more difficulty self soothing. People with higher sensitivity are more prone to anxiety disorders, self-doubt, depression, shyness and negative feelings.
How do our emotions make us different from other animals?
Emotions are experienced between 3 levels of the self:
This then has a knock on effect of making the experiential self feel disregarded, invalidated, wounded and judged so a toxic internal conflict occurs.
People who are sensitive to begin with are more likely to fall into this trap because their negative feelings require more resources to process.
People in this state of overwhelm are often described as ‘bottling things up,' and this bottling up can lead to a build up in pressure resulting in an explosion or anxiety attack.
6 Ways to safely process emotions and manage anxiety:
If you would like to find out more about how I can help you overcome anxiety and overwhelming emotions please feel free to contact me using this form, you will also find more information on Anxiety Disorders and Anxiety Symptoms on this page, alternatively you can call me on 0435 923 817 for a chat. If you would like to go ahead an book an appointment to come and see me you can do so at this link.
Melbourne Hypnotherapist Georgina Mitchell was born in Ireland, moving to Australia in 1989. Georgina Specialises in helping people with Anxiety Disorders and is an active member of the Melbourne Hypnotherapy Community. In Melbourne Hypnosis is being accepted as effective tool for anyone wanting to achieve a positive change in Mood, Behaviour and Habit.
Melbourne Hypnotherapy Blog
Please note as with all therapies, Results for Therapies delivered by Hypfocus may vary from person to person